New Rules: Dating in Los Angeles
(Sorry Ladies)…I have to call it like I see it sometimes. This is not a blog that all are going to like or co-sign on, and that is okay. I am merely providing an analysis of the opinion of men I have spoken with (whether I agree with them or not) and adding a few opinions of my own because I am tired of hearing woman after woman complain that they can’t find men in Los Angeles.
In recent months the blogs, stories, studies and books announcing to the world that 70% of Black women are single have picked up much speed. EVERYBODY has a theory or statistic: not enough black men, too many uneducated man, unequal status/income, not successful enough, in jail, gay, dating other races…and so goes the stories. Adding additional layers is issue many women run ito with “dating in Los Angeles.” Which I can admit is a beast in itself. After you weed through the “non-gentlemen”, the “playa playa”, the “I Got Five On it”, the “Guy with the sunglasses indoors (aka…the flosser, yes I said it)” etc, SOME believe there aren’t any good me in Los Angeles.
There is only one issue with this theory…I know plenty of black women in Los Angeles who date good men and really don’t have dating issues! I also know plenty of real, cool, great, successful, gentlemen in Los Angeles who are actually looking for good women. So instead of looking at how the odds are stacked against black women, let’s look at some real ways of beating the odds. Despite the hypersexual images in the media, many black women are raised with conservative dating values. “A man who findeth a wife findeth a good thing” and “a man comes after a woman that he wants” goes the old adages. And I agree with them all, there is only one problem… YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY MEET HIM FIRST!!!!!! If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, then it is INSANE for us to continue to sit at home, go out but NOT socialize, never start a conversation, sit huddled with groups of women, never make eye contact, smile or any of the other antics we pull and then get upset that we never meet men. Translation, NO he should not have to cross the room, hurdle over 10 men, pry you away from your friend huddle, overcome our initial rejection/attitude and some how he supposed to be physic and know that that perceived chip on your shoulder is really more like a flake and can be easily removed.
Here is the truth: If there are 10 beautiful women in a room, why should a man approach you over them? He doesn’t know by looking at you that you are smarter or funnier or more successful or can cook better or “whatever you think your thing is.” The part that sucks in Los Angeles, there are ALWAYS 10 beautiful women in a room. So, here is the bottom line:
Fact: Los Angeles is full of beautiful, successful, educated women. Period. Even if we are just talking about black women, there are a ton of us too!
Analysis: Being beautiful, successful and educated is nothing special. Sorry (I too wish it was). So what else you got? Are you super sweet—work that angle. Can you cook your ass off—work that angle. Do you hold great conversations— work that angle. Are you really funny—work that angle. You better figure out what else you got that makes you special.
Fact: If you meet an intelligent, successful, attractive man, chances are he is dating someone (maybe a few someone’s) else.
Analysis: As long as he is not married or in a committed relationship…WHO CARES! You should be dating too! Why are you worried about what he is doing? Why are you emotionally invested in a man who is not invested in you? Find you something to do so you don’t have time to keep tabs on/ be worried about a man who does not belong to you! Make a man feel like he is the only one when he is in your presence, but DO NOT prematurely become emotionally attached or become a faithful fool to a man who has not given you a commitment. Do I need to repeat this? Find something to do, a man (especially one that does not belong to you) should not consume all your time and energy. Date you silly girl (I bet you he is).
Fact: You cannot meet a man sitting at home.
Analysis: You cannot meet a man sitting at home. HAHA! If you need me to say more about this, you are beyond me help. And please don’t give me that crap about nothing to do in Los Angeles.
Dating in Los Angeles is not easy, but the commentary and belief that there are no good men in Los Angeles has gotten pretty old to me. So here are some new rules to meet men- New Rules for Dating in 2011:
1. Getting Over Yourself- Stop only talking to men who fit your silly qualifications. Oh yes, I said silly. Oh no, he is too short, or not dressed nice enough, or not cute enough, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t drive a nice enough car, I can’t talk to him. He could end up being a great guy or a really good friend. Plus, it is a whole lot easier to upgrade a mans income, than his morals. It is also a lot easier to put a new outfit on a good man, than it is to convince that well dress playa to keep his clothes on when you aren’t around. Adding to that, it is a mistake for your only experience with men to be talking to people you are romantically interested in, you learn and hear so much more from male friends. The most interesting people I have met in life have been people who did not fit a “criteria.”
2.The Passive Aggressive Approach- Cant see yourself approaching a man? Too old school to make the first move (make sure you really are old school first, cause if this is the only place you apply old school rules #fail)? Fine, you have to start somewhere, if you see a man that you are interested in, give him an opening to approach you. Make eye contact, hold for a few seconds, and then flash him a smile. Yep, it can be that simple. Flirt damn it!
3.GO OUT ALONE- I know this sounds crazy and it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but you meet SOOOOOO many people when you roll somewhere alone. Not only are you more approachable to men (as appose to them having to pull you out of a girl huddle), but generally speaking get more from the night. If you cant go out alone, then (see rule 4)
4. Be Alone- Take a solo stroll at different points in night- I am known for my solo stroll. Just because I came with my girls does not mean I have to be joined at the hip the whole night. I have a friend I take with me sometimes just so I can leave her alone to meet folks.
5. Place yourself within proximity- This should not be confused with standing near a guy in his eye sight, flipping your hair hoping he will notice you. Please don’t do that and if you do, DO NOT claim you received the advice here! Sit down next to the guy having a drink at the bar alone, while you are at happy hour ALONE (why not), compliment his outfit, asking him what he is eating, reading, drinking, I don’t know, spark up a conversation. The key to this tactic is you can’t only do it because you’re interested in him. I do this because I like to talk to people…period. So my conversations doesn’t seem forced or too flirty and I don’t seem thirsty (I am neither). I seem friendly, and trust me, men like friendly women. Practice. Have fun and Practice. It is fun and you have some of the BEST conversations with random people! But before you start…see rule 6.
6. What Are You Talking About?- Find something interesting to talk about- please! I can’t help you here, but all I can say is clothes, hair, nails, your ex, how hard dating in LA is, how men are intimidated by you, your latest weight lost goals, etc, is not interesting. Sorry, it just isn’t. Talk, then breathe, let him talk. Respond back to what he said. Ask him a question, give a great analysis. Be funny, smart, confident, witty. Be you! Avoid talking about marriage, kids, your timelines. Damn you just met! Calm down, and get to know him. If you don’t like him, he and you aren’t compatible, it okay (especially since you never stopped dating)
7. Drop the attitude- We all hate arrogant men, but are you exactly what you hate? Sorry to bust your bubble, you might not be the only woman he knows with your “qualifications”. The others might even be smarter, cuter, and have a lot less of a funky ass attitude. If you are that BOMB, he will recognize it (and if he doesn’t, he isn’t for you so oh well), so drop the attitude!
8. Its Not Personal- Stop taking everything personal. If a man isn’t interested, he isn’t interested. How many men have you rejected or turned down? It doesn’t make you any less of a woman. Any less amazing. Any less of a great catch. People have their own preferences and hang ups. Keep it pushing.
9. Bitter Betty- Just because you have a few bad experiences with a few men (who probably gave you a million warning signs not to date him anyways) don’t get bitter and condemn all men. AFTERALL, a few bad experiences is the same reason some guys claim not to date black women. And we can all agree that is a BS excuse. I am just saying. And finally…number 10
10. Stop Kissing Frogs- I don’t care what the fairytales have told you, frogs DO NOT turn into Princess. EVER (well at least not while your kissing them). So watch the warning signs and do not be afraid to let a man go. Some signs are subtle—he tells you he is not looking for a relationship (well, I am, so thanks for the heads up) and some signs are more overt—He never calls you. If you have to ask yourself if a man likes you or respects you (drum roll please) HE DOESN’T. Don’t shoot me, I am just the messenger!
Okay, that’s all for not.