This Blog was inspired by a recent conversation with my brother.
He walks over and says hello, or I smile and cross the room or we meet through a mutual friend. Who knows? I am not sure how it happens, but we meet. He tells me something interesting, I reply in some witty manner. He laughs and tells me I am refreshing. I blush. We talk for a while and he tells me he is feeling my vibe. And then it happens…a confused looks crosses his face. I can see him racking his brain for the answer. “So,” he begins cautiously trying to find the appropriate method of satisfying his curiosity, “Why are you single.” Translation: So, what is wrong with you? The underlying assumption is that IF I am really this cool, or nice or sweet, not bad looking and have something going for myself, then WHY hasn’t some man come along and scooped me up by now?
My heart drops, it is like I have a disease. Like I am one of the silly women on the dance floor screaming “If he liked than he should of put a ring on it” while the exes laugh, cause if he liked it HE WOULD HAVE PUT A RING ON IT. “Well”, I begin cautiously, “I date and would love to find something more serious, but do not want to rush into something that is not real for the sake of a title.” Then I search his eyes for his response. Did my carefully crafted answer avoid his dreaded labels? She is “miss independent” or “miss can’t hold onto a man” or “miss don’t get serious with this one” girl. I now use this response because the “Why are YOU single” retort never worked that well and landed me in the “miss defensive” category. And the “I have been waiting for you to come along” landed me in the “Miss play” category. Sigh.
In truth, I am the “Miss, I should not have to answer this question girl”. I would love to be in a committed relationship. To have the chance to spoil the hell out of a GOOD man!!! Yes, I said spoil. I am the cook you a meal, make you a plate, rub your back, wash your clothes, and clean your kitchen girl. Surprised? Don’t be. I act like a Lady and think like a WOMAN (sorry Steve Harvey, your advice is rejected). I have been blessed to have past relationship where the men genuinely loved me, cherished me, introduced me to their family and friend, proudly talked about our kids and our life. I know what it feels like and when it doesn’t feel right. I have spoken to older couples married for 50 plus years and listened intently as they told me the secret to their success. I have ALSO been blessed to watch people I know go through miserable marriages, bitter divorces all with men they once loved. I have seen too many single mothers struggling to raise their children alone that they had with men they never took the time to really get to know. And it bothers me that my choices are the one that seem questionable.
I recently bought into this hype of this and tried to pursue something I KNEW was not right for me. Never again. Why do I wait? Why am I single? I am waiting for HIM! And I don’t care if I find him at 30 or 35 or 40, because when I find him it will be till death do us part. I wait because I STILL value the institution of marriage, because I want the father of my children to be the same man who lives in my house. I wait because at 30, I am wiser and more reserved and know what I want! I want a man who the best time we ever had was that time we sat up and talked all night and did nothing, because we do not need to have anything to entertain us but each other’s presence. I want a man who loves that I get overly passionate about the homeless or education and doesn’t care that others think I am a bit intense. I want someone who will defend me and my wrong to anybody who tries to say something and CHECK the hell out of me in private. Who knows that sometimes I talk too much, but loves to listen because I always have something real to say. A man who takes the time to get to know me. Who knows I am not perfect, sometimes can be a know it all, get too loud at times and those flaws (which such a part of who I am) are the part of the reason why he loves me.
I know what the dreaded statistic say, but if you all know me…I can’t wait to beat the odds!