Fairytales Were Invented By Lonely People… Who Wanted Company
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we need to get a few things the out the way first. There is no such thing as the tooth fairy. She doesn’t exit. If I have shocked you, take a moment to compose yourself, because the news gets worse…are you ready? There is no Santa Clause either. I know…I know it is a hard pill to swallow, waking up from all the lies our parents told us. I have a few more bombshells to drop…Ready? Sigh…Cinderella, Snow White, and anything involving Knight and Shinning Amours, rescues from a dragon or magical kisses do not exist either. In the “real world” money doesn’t grow on trees, there are no magical fixes, relationships are hard work, no one is perfect and no man will ever be able to compete with fantasies that have consumed our minds since we were children.
And it is not completely our fault. Almost every girl dreamed of getting a Ken doll for her Barbie. They had the perfect car, the “dream” house and we acted out the fantasies in our head. We dreamed about meeting Prince Charming, and I know I went through the “I am a princess” phases. Hell, the
Soapbox Princess is still in it. In fact, every story seemed to begin with “Once upon a time,” had a perfect, drop dead gorgeous, man in the middle, and ended with some version of ”And the lived happily ever after.” These were our dreams about our futures, our marriages, our meeting “the one” , and the ultimate goals of having the “perfect” life. There one problem…life is not perfect. Rarely do we take the time to ask ourselves what happiness really means in a real life relationship. Instead, we prepare for a fantasy that will never exist. So here are a few myths we need to get correct:
Happily Ever After Myth #1- The Romance Novel
She felt his breath on her neck as his lips lingered then slowly moved downward. He nibbled at her breast, and kissed a trail down to her inner thighs. His mouth, a few inches from her virginity, he drew closer, she held her breath then gasp as he took her into his mouth. Just as she began to think this pleasure could not increase, he entered her with a quick thrust. She gasped, tonight was the night she had dreamed of all her life. Are you turned on? I am! Ok, so most of us probably aren’t virgins anymore, but we still fantasies of these moments with “the one.” At least I do. The reality is that romance novels dedicate hundreds of pages to a man saying and doing all the things a woman desires. But there is a reason why these books are filed under fiction, they usually aren’t realistic. If your spend too much time searching for the man who always says or does the right thing, the man who looks like (insert your male fantasy here), whose even smells great sweating, who has SWAG, confidence, money, etc, you may actually miss the right man when he comes along. Take your nose out the book and look around the bookstore, because real men live in the real world.
Happily Ever After Myth #2- The Knight and Shining Amour
He doesn’t exist. Trust me. Why? Because nobody can save you but yourself. Having a healthy or happy relationship starts long before you meet “the one,” its starts with finding a way to be happy with YOURSELF. To not need to be saved. To have made better choices. To be ready for a good man by keeping your: credit right, your body in shape, your heart ready, your mind clear, forgiving your exes, forgiving yourself, loving life, not being mad or bitter at men, and keeping your hair done, nails done, everything done… done. And doing all of that for YOURSELF. Stop looking for some fix to the wholes in your life. Find the hole and plug it, or you will scare “Prince Charming” away…
Happily Ever After Myth #3- Happily Ever After…
Nothing is happily ever after. Every person I speak to with happy marriages and relationship tell me there are up and downs. Then downs…and more downs. If you stick with it comes up again. I don’t care how great of a man you meet (and there are many great men out there) he will leave the toilet seat up sometimes, might forget your anniversary, he might not bring you flowers everyday like he used to, he might tune you out sometimes when you want to talk, he might not clean up the kitchen after himself, might not be as affectionate as you like or might not take out the trash before the game starts. Deal with it. Or Not. That’s your choice, but make some realistic decisions about the small (or big, if it’s big to you) things you don’t want to spend your time being upset about, that you are willing to live with and don’t let them bother you. But don’t fool yourself… if it matters to you, it matters. So find someone who will give you the things that matter to you. Why? Because there aren’t any fairy godmothers to wave a magic wand and turn him into your version of Prince Charming, what you see is usually what you get…after all…this isn’t a fairytale.
Happily Ever After Myth #4- He Will Complete Me
If you need someone to complete you, it means you are missing something. It means you aren’t whole. Find a way to get whole, because no one can ever do that for you. I suggest EVERY woman watch “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O”.
Too many women live in a fantasy. Wake up so you can have a happy real life. Doesn’t think it applies to you? Take the quiz below and find out. Remember, if you lie, it is only to yourself and it will only stunt your own personal growth.
Take the Fantasy Quiz
- Can you envision what your wedding dress will look like?
- Do you know what color your bridesmaids will wear?
- Have you already chosen your bridesmaids?
- Have you already know how many kids you will have?
- Do you know how many people you will have at your wedding (approximately)?
- Do you look or have you flipped through wedding books and you are not engaged?
- Do you think you know what your husband will look like?
Did you answer yes to most of these questions? That’s okay, now take the reality quiz?
Now take the reality quiz?
- Do you have a plan on how you will work through problems in your relationship?
- Have you decided what you are willing to give up to keep peace in your relationship?
- Have you decided what faults you are willing to accept?
- Have you decided what you are not willing to accept”
- Is there some activity you are not prepared to give up in a relationship?
- Do we share common values?
- What is his view on gender roles and am I willing to play them?
- Do we think the same way about money? If not, how will we compromise?
- Do I get along with his family? If not, why? Are the reasons valid?
- Do you share the same parenting philosophy?
- What is my expectation of a sexual relationship? Does it mirror his? Will it in 10 years? What steps will I take to make sure it does?
- Do I expect or want him to change? Is my expectation reasonable? Is it feasible?
- Have I thought about what truly matters to me regarding character and inner qualities?
- Are you willing to ride out a rough patch in your relationship?
If you have answered yes to most of the question in the reality quiz and no to most of the question in the reality quiz, then you may be living in a fairytale. But the news does get better. Once we are able to pull ourselves away from the fantasies we have created in our heads, we can move on and have very happy and healthy relationships, with ourselves…then with a great man.
And by the way, I lied earlier. I DO believe in “once upon a time” and “happily ever after”…it’s the stuff in between we need to get more realistic about….