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New Rules: Dating in Los Angeles

May 16, 2011

New Rules: Dating in Los Angeles

(Sorry Ladies)…I have to call it like I see it sometimes. This is not a blog that all are going to like or co-sign on, and that is okay. I am merely providing an analysis of the opinion of men I have spoken with (whether I agree with them or not) and adding a few opinions of my own because I am tired of hearing woman after woman complain that they can’t find men in Los Angeles.

In recent months the blogs, stories, studies and books announcing to the world that 70% of Black women are single have picked up much speed. EVERYBODY has a theory or statistic: not enough black men, too many uneducated man, unequal status/income, not successful enough, in jail, gay, dating other races…and so goes the stories. Adding additional layers is issue many women run ito with “dating in Los Angeles.” Which I can admit is a beast in itself. After you weed through the “non-gentlemen”, the “playa playa”, the “I Got Five On it”, the “Guy with the sunglasses indoors (aka…the flosser, yes I said it)” etc, SOME believe there aren’t any good me in Los Angeles.

There is only one issue with this theory…I know plenty of black women in Los Angeles who date good men and really don’t have dating issues! I also know plenty of real, cool, great, successful, gentlemen in Los Angeles who are actually looking for good women. So instead of looking at how the odds are stacked against black women, let’s look at some real ways of beating the odds. Despite the hypersexual images in the media, many black women are raised with conservative dating values. “A man who findeth a wife findeth a good thing” and “a man comes after a woman that he wants” goes the old adages. And I agree with them all, there is only one problem… YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY MEET HIM FIRST!!!!!! If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, then it is INSANE for us to continue to sit at home, go out but NOT socialize, never start a conversation, sit huddled with groups of women, never make eye contact, smile or any of the other antics we pull and then get upset that we never meet men. Translation, NO he should not have to cross the room, hurdle over 10 men, pry you away from your friend huddle, overcome our initial rejection/attitude and some how he supposed to be physic and know that that perceived chip on your shoulder is really more like a flake and can be easily removed.

Here is the truth: If there are 10 beautiful women in a room, why should a man approach you over them? He doesn’t know by looking at you that you are smarter or funnier or more successful or can cook better or “whatever you think your thing is.” The part that sucks in Los Angeles, there are ALWAYS 10 beautiful women in a room. So, here is the bottom line:

Fact: Los Angeles is full of beautiful, successful, educated women. Period. Even if we are just talking about black women, there are a ton of us too!
Analysis: Being beautiful, successful and educated is nothing special. Sorry (I too wish it was). So what else you got? Are you super sweet—work that angle. Can you cook your ass off—work that angle. Do you hold great conversations— work that angle. Are you really funny—work that angle. You better figure out what else you got that makes you special.

Fact: If you meet an intelligent, successful, attractive man, chances are he is dating someone (maybe a few someone’s) else.
Analysis: As long as he is not married or in a committed relationship…WHO CARES! You should be dating too! Why are you worried about what he is doing? Why are you emotionally invested in a man who is not invested in you? Find you something to do so you don’t have time to keep tabs on/ be worried about a man who does not belong to you! Make a man feel like he is the only one when he is in your presence, but DO NOT prematurely become emotionally attached or become a faithful fool to a man who has not given you a commitment. Do I need to repeat this? Find something to do, a man (especially one that does not belong to you) should not consume all your time and energy. Date you silly girl (I bet you he is).

Fact: You cannot meet a man sitting at home.
Analysis: You cannot meet a man sitting at home. HAHA! If you need me to say more about this, you are beyond me help. And please don’t give me that crap about nothing to do in Los Angeles.

Dating in Los Angeles is not easy, but the commentary and belief that there are no good men in Los Angeles has gotten pretty old to me. So here are some new rules to meet men- New Rules for Dating in 2011:

1. Getting Over Yourself- Stop only talking to men who fit your silly qualifications. Oh yes, I said silly. Oh no, he is too short, or not dressed nice enough, or not cute enough, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t drive a nice enough car, I can’t talk to him. He could end up being a great guy or a really good friend. Plus, it is a whole lot easier to upgrade a mans income, than his morals. It is also a lot easier to put a new outfit on a good man, than it is to convince that well dress playa to keep his clothes on when you aren’t around. Adding to that, it is a mistake for your only experience with men to be talking to people you are romantically interested in, you learn and hear so much more from male friends. The most interesting people I have met in life have been people who did not fit a “criteria.”

2.The Passive Aggressive Approach- Cant see yourself approaching a man? Too old school to make the first move (make sure you really are old school first, cause if this is the only place you apply old school rules #fail)? Fine, you have to start somewhere, if you see a man that you are interested in, give him an opening to approach you. Make eye contact, hold for a few seconds, and then flash him a smile. Yep, it can be that simple. Flirt damn it!

3.GO OUT ALONE- I know this sounds crazy and it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but you meet SOOOOOO many people when you roll somewhere alone. Not only are you more approachable to men (as appose to them having to pull you out of a girl huddle), but generally speaking get more from the night. If you cant go out alone, then (see rule 4)

4. Be Alone- Take a solo stroll at different points in night- I am known for my solo stroll. Just because I came with my girls does not mean I have to be joined at the hip the whole night. I have a friend I take with me sometimes just so I can leave her alone to meet folks.

5. Place yourself within proximity- This should not be confused with standing near a guy in his eye sight, flipping your hair hoping he will notice you. Please don’t do that and if you do, DO NOT claim you received the advice here! Sit down next to the guy having a drink at the bar alone, while  you are at happy hour ALONE (why not), compliment his outfit, asking him what he is eating, reading, drinking, I don’t know, spark up a conversation. The key to this tactic is you can’t only do it because you’re interested in him. I do this because I like to talk to people…period. So my conversations doesn’t seem forced or too flirty and I don’t seem thirsty (I am neither). I seem friendly, and trust me, men like friendly women. Practice. Have fun and Practice. It is fun and you have some of the BEST conversations with random people!  But before you start…see rule 6.

6. What Are You Talking About?- Find something interesting to talk about- please! I can’t help you here, but all I can say is clothes, hair, nails, your ex, how hard dating in LA is, how men are intimidated by you, your latest weight lost goals, etc, is not interesting. Sorry, it just isn’t. Talk, then breathe, let him talk. Respond back to what he said. Ask him a question, give a great analysis. Be funny, smart, confident, witty. Be you! Avoid talking about marriage, kids, your timelines. Damn you just met! Calm down, and get to know him. If you don’t like him, he and you aren’t compatible, it okay (especially since you never stopped dating)

7. Drop the attitude- We all hate arrogant men, but are you exactly what you hate? Sorry to bust your bubble, you might not be the only woman he knows with your “qualifications”. The others might even be smarter, cuter, and have a lot less of a funky ass attitude. If you are that BOMB, he will recognize it (and if he doesn’t, he isn’t for you so oh well), so drop the attitude!

8. Its Not Personal- Stop taking everything personal. If a man isn’t interested, he isn’t interested. How many men have you rejected or turned down? It doesn’t make you any less of a woman. Any less amazing. Any less of a great catch. People have their own preferences and hang ups. Keep it pushing.

9. Bitter Betty- Just because you have a few bad experiences with a few men (who probably gave you a million warning signs not to date him anyways) don’t get bitter and condemn all men. AFTERALL, a few bad experiences is the same reason some guys claim not to date black women. And we can all agree that is a BS excuse. I am just saying. And finally…number 10

10. Stop Kissing Frogs- I don’t care what the fairytales have told you, frogs DO NOT turn into Princess. EVER (well at least not while your kissing them). So watch the warning signs and do not be afraid to let a man go. Some signs are subtle—he tells you he is not looking for a relationship (well, I am, so thanks for the heads up) and some signs are more overt—He never calls you. If you have to ask yourself if a man likes you or respects you (drum roll please) HE DOESN’T. Don’t shoot me, I am just the messenger!

Okay, that’s all for not.

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Just for fun!, Life, relationships

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It Was All Fun and Games…Till You Ended Up Pregnant by Lil Wayne

December 21, 2010

It Was All Fun and Games…Till You Ended Up Pregnant by Lil Wayne

Which has got to suck! I am not trying to be mean to Lauren London, but I don’t care how good of a rapper Weazy may be, publically being known as one of his baby dramas…I mean mommas, has got to suck. Outside of the fact that I have become scarily curiously about what Weazy must be packing, and that I am dreading his soon to come reality TV show (which I bet is in the works), I have to wonder HOW women wind up in these “situation”!!!!  How do we miss all the big signs that scream and yell that a man is TROUBLE! How do we wind up some mans 5th baby mama, mad, hurt, disappointed, bitter, with all our good year behind us.

Then it dawned on me. Maybe its not that we miss the BIG signs, maybe we miss the little subtle signs. The ones that tell you that the dinners he bought or the nights you spent mean nothing to him. Or the ones that should have told us there was no real longevity in this situation, not to invest waste those 5 years, that he was never ever going to marry you, or make you happy, or change, or that you in fact are just his scrape (a recent term I learned from a male friend that’s meaning is just as bad as it sounds). We all know or at least have heard the simple rules. You know the ones that tell you if he doesn’t call, he’s not interested in you. Or if you never spend holidays together, or he only texts you, never spends the night, only contacts you after 10pm, never makes plans with you and never takes you out, you’re his scrape. If you need me to rehash all those rules, then this is not the blog for you. You require much more assistance than I can provide through this blog. I am not a therapist.

But maybe I can help the rest of us.  There are some other rules that we look past too often. And we must stop, so I wrote a song about them, want to hear them, here they go:

He apologizes with gifts- I don’t care how fly that Vanessa Bryant ring may look, don’t let it fool you. When a man commits a “gift worthy offense” (and you plan on staying), the best and most valuable gift he can give you is a sincere apology and a genuine intent not to repeat said offense. If his actions are not tied to remorse, the gift he buys you to say I am sorry are worthless. WORTHLESS. Your pride, self worth and HAPPINESS should not be for sale. Now, if you would prefer the ring or equally expensive gift, I have no advice for you. You and I hold totally different views and values, so you can continue to read on or stop here. It is up to you…

He uses the word “marriage” like it is a Karat at the end of a stick- Let’s face it, I am 30th! Yes, I would like to get married one day and yes I want children one day. Unfortunately I am old fashion and want them in that order, which makes my early 30’s a crucial time in my life. Most men dating a childless woman in this age range should know this even though they like to play dumb. If years into your relationship, knowing you’re looking to go to the next, level he continually uses the phase like “If you want to get married..” or “or I’m not going to marry you until…” or buys you a ring, but refuses to set a date, he is buying time and probably NOT going to marry you, nor should you want him to. Please do not give him an ultimatum. I have a theory that at least half of the unhappy marriages out there began with an ultimatum. Most men I know who chose their wives knew immediately (or very close to it) that she was “her” or could be. It’s ok not to be her, stop chasing that Karat..its ok…move on.

He Just Doesn’t Get It- And Won’t fake it- Frustrated much? Always talking in circles about why he shouldn’t stand you up or why you’re hurt that he forgot you birthday, or why he should take single off his status on Facebook or why him sending that sex-text to his ex was inappropriate and disrespectful. Does he try and make you seem like you are jealous or insecure when you say something about the offense. Ever find yourself trying to justify staying with him with phrases like “BUT, he is such a good man” or “he treats me good BUT…” or “I am happy most of the time BUT…” If you find it hard to compliment your man without thinking of the BUTS even if you have long since stopped sharing them with others, this is not a happy healthy relationship. Move on…

He won’t help you move- Did you move and can’t get your man to help you? Seriously? I could probably round up 3 platonic guys friends to help me on a bad day. Unless he is disabled or legally blind, your man not wanted to help you move is a very bad sign. Move on…

His penis is afraid of condoms- Yuck. I know we all want to think we are special, but if a man is extra willing to have unprotected sex with you right out the gate, without asking you any very important like “when was your last AIDS test” or “Let got get tested first” or the mother of all…he penis shrivels up and goes into hiding at the sound of a condom wrapper…RUN. Run fast, run hard. Hide, change your number and the run again. He has the Lil Wayne syndrome. Run. You have been warned.

He is rude to servers- He is rude at the stores. Rude to the lady behind the counter. Rude to the cleaning lady. Rude to the manager. In fact, dude is rude to everybody but you! Well just you wait! Your turn is coming. I can guarantee you that. He is a jerk and a jerk will always eventually be a jerk to you as well. I don’t care how sweet he treats you, this is the mother of all subtle signs. Unless you’re a rude person as well. If you are…carry on!

He talk negatively about the past- Are you seriously 35 still talking about the chance you had to go to the league, but got cut. Or the ex who broke your heart and used you when you were 22. Or the professor who failed you. Or the last job you had that didn’t promote you. Or how the man is trying to keep you down. Wow…you sound so tragic. Run. He is a blamer. Takes no responsibility for his own action, is incapable of moving on, is carrying a man purse (also known as baggage), and will add you to his list of things that have gone wrong in his life…eventually…

He favorite word is “I”- I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I! Gosh do you know any other word? I can’t stand it. Moving on…

Okay I am done. Hope this blog makes sense I am sick and slightly drunk on nightquil PLUS suffering from cabin fever (please stop the rain). Can someone please beat up Tony Toni Tone….apparently it does rain in Southern California!

Category:

African American, black, Facebook, Just for fun!, Life, Los Angeles, relationships, Social Media

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It’s JUST Facebook… calm down

December 6, 2010

It’s JUST Facebook… calm down

Geeeesh! I hate to have to dedicate an entire blog to facebook, but here we go…

In case YOU the person who inspired this blog is reading this, for the record,  I was not ignoring all of your facebook emails! As a matter of fact I didn’t see them because they were buried under 300 club invitations and reminders, that I ALSO did not check often. AND I am sorry I missed the 50th party mixer you threw this year, maybe next time you can send an email, text, call or even a good ole evite! And as long as I am making declarations, no I wasn’t ignoring your Facebook IM’s either, I know the computer says I am “logged on”, but computers lie! I am absent minded and left my computer on. Gosh, I wasn’t sitting there the whole time, I actually have a job!  Lastly, no my status was not directed at you, nor was my note, or comments. I don’t know what to tell you, shrug, your really not that important. I have a REAL life outside of Facebook, PLUS…it’s JUST facebook, calm down.

I think some of you are taking this social networking things WAY to seriously. Here are some signs that YOU may be taking this Facebook things a little too seriously as well:

Friendemies- Are you serious? Are you really having a full blow argument with a facebook friend on your facebook wall? Tagging them in post and going back in forth on each other’s page making threats? Telling each other’s business? How old are you? That’s is what delete and blocking was made for! Why in the world would you leave this person on your page besides to keep your friend count? Seriously? If your having a public facebook spat on your wall, you are officially taking facebook too seriously!

Friend Phishing- I don’t know you well enough to have 50 friends in common with you. Wait… now I have 100? Wait, how do you know my best friend, my co-worker, my niece and my mom? Something is phishy here!!!! Did you really just add me and go through all my facebook friend and send them add requests as well? Who in the WORLD has that much time on their hands!!!!! I am going to need you to get off my page and to get a REAL life!

5000 Friends- Are you a celebrity? Do you have a business? If you answered no to the questions above and you spend your days adding new friends to get your “count up,” something is wrong. Is this a popularity contest? Is there a prize at the end? Or maybe I am taking Facebook too seriously because I don’t add everyone. Guess we will never know…

Fake Hater…haters… haters- You have haters? Seriously? This is a big enough problem in your life that you have to post notes to them every other day on Facebook? “Thank you to the haters” “”Haters make me stronger” “Where would I be without my haters.”  I find very few things more perplexing than a persons whose life is permeated with mediocrity, constantly complaining about haters. Hating on what? The following people may have haters: President Obama, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, John F Kennedy. You do not have haters, please stop it (and no I am not hating on you).

The Grandiose Life- I guess it is easy to be an egotistical maniac in facebook, but while you are posting pictures in the VIP and bragging about popping bottles in the club and rolling on dubs or whatever people roll on these days, PLEASE remember, some of us know you in real life! Your life is not that grand and your income does not support the lifestyle you’re faking. Quit padding your online image, its ok. Really it is… it just Facebook…

Wall Pissing- Okay I got it, he is your man. Do you really have to comment on every one of his post, be the first and last comment on his status’, write “hey babe, just thinking about you” or “I enjoyed last night” on his wall. You tag him in all your pictures and post them on his wall. You cannot be that insecure! If you validate your relationship through his Facebook page, you might just be taking Facebook too seriously!

Profile Stalker- The only thing worse than the wall pisser is the profile stalker. Did you REALLY just click on everybody’s profiles who commented on his page? Try and see how he knows them, if he is in their pictures, commenting on their walls, or how many friends you have in common. OMG…did I get an add request from you? I know what you’re doing! Why are you so crazy? You can’t even hide it! Hell no! Deny!

TMI (Too Much Information)- OMG…I really did not need to know that your period is late or that you think all men are dogs. I don’t need to know your sexual fines, that your late on your car note, that you hate your mom or that the doctor said that rash was “no biggie”. I also would prefer not to see pictures of you in the bathtub or any other half naked pictures in the bathroom. What in da hell! Keep it light, keep it generic and by all means keep it to yourself!

Rejection Notes- Mad that I didn’t add you to my page? Did you just send me a note telling me “It’s not that serious?” LOL…APPARENTLY it is that serious! It is serious enough for you to send an add request, check up on it and write a note about it because I didn’t add you.  I don’t know you! Get over it.

De-friending Notes- Along the same lines… how did you even know I deleted you? You have 5000 friends! You actually know exactly how many friends you have and notice when one is missing? What makes matter worse is your able to figure out who the de-friender is and send them a note! Gosh… I didn’t know I was that special!

Facebook Player- This aint match.com. Why are you going through random facebook pages, and send notes to women you don’t know telling them they are beautiful and you want to take them out! Seriously…

Ok, I am out. Sorry if this offends anyone, but like I always say… you should be WAY more upset if it is a reflection of your life!

I am out!

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African American, Facebook, Just for fun!, Life, Los Angeles, Politics, relationships, Social Media

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Maybe it is you!!! (shoot…maybe its me???)

November 28, 2010

Maybe it is you!!! (shoot…maybe its me???)

Hindsight may be 20/20, but self reflection is often blurred…

It was one of those days where all I wanted was to have a glass of wine and watch the scene passing by. But they quickly became the show. They were in their own little world, which is probably why they didn’t notice me in the corner watching them. She arrived about an hour and 30 minutes before he did and her body language indicated she did not appreciate the wait. But she perked up, and straightened her face once he pulled into the parking lot and showed no signs of the obvious irritation she was feeling just moments before. He made no apologies; she did seem to need one. Shrug… I would have left an hour ago, but that’s just me.  She had sat the entire time without a drink, but when he asked what she wanted, she replied “dirty martini with GREY GOOSE.” Oh, she’s a top shelf chick, I thought to myself. I secretly wondered if she needed that dirty martini to help hide the attitude she was pretended not to have had just minutes before. I was intrigued nosey by their exchange, which is why I could not help but ease drop on their conversation. (Don’t judge me, where else would I get materials for my blog???)

THEN… somewhere in between “how was your day” and “let get out of here and go to someplace more comfortable” an even more interesting conversation took place:

“I like a man to treat me well,” the late 20’s dime piece very pretty girl says with a forced coyness. She bats her eyes, tilts her head to the side and smiles sweetly.

“I can afford you” he responds as he wraps his arm around her waist and kisses her gentle on the lips. It appears to be their first kiss. I am mesmerized by the scene and wondered how many bars this was playing in across the city.

Her movements tell me this isn’t her first seduction.  His arrogance swag tells me this isn’t his first time either.  The and the CLS550 he pulled up in and Ferragamo shoes tell me he more than likely can “afford” it. There was a time when I used to think he was about to get played, but now I know the truth… Maybe he can afford IT, but why the HELL is IT for sale? And not to be funny,  if you are selling it, can you please do so for more than the Honda Accord and a pair of Carlos Santana shoes (Because I peeped those shoes in Macy’s two days ago)? Please don’t take my comments out of context, I happily drive a Camry and own a few pairs of that brand, what I am saying is if your selling it (which you shouldn’t) at least price it where you can set yourself up. Shoot, at 30, she only has a good 5 years left on that body and face, she should be trying to see how she is going to retire, not how you’re going to get a free dirty martini! I am just say, not condoning, just saying…but I digress.

As I watched this little exchange it reminded me of the flip side, the day I listened to a group of women who were in their 30’s talk about dating in Los Angeles. “Men don’t want to take you out anymore” one complained, “AND McDonalds is not a date,” another woman chimed in. They all shook their heads in agreement at this declaration. My eyes widened in amazement. I checked the date on my watch to make sure I had not gone back in time to the twilight zone high school. Was I TRULY in a room with a bunch of grown women complaining about McDonalds dates? Seriously, I must LMFBO! That means laugh my freaking butt off for those who don’t know. This can’t be real! Then it happened…

No, it didn’t happen to me, but a conversation happened that help me understand this ridiculous situation these grown women were encountering. I was commenting to a friend about a girl her friend used to date, but he said several times and I quote “I never dated that girl.” I could not hide the exacerbation in my voice. I know they used to hang out often, I also know they slept together several times, how in the hell could he keep insisting that he never dated her. Then it dawned on me… she was a McDonalds Girl! The girl he went out with, but never took out. The girl he bedded, but never slept with, the “this is all it going to be” girl. Don’t mistake my statements, if you always trying to get over, get a free meal, make a man take you to some pricey restaurant, your just as bad. You might be worse, the Mick D’s girls actually likes the man a lot of times, she is doing it out of emotions, the other type of girl is hooking playing herself and cheaply. Yes, hooking getting played. Your selling it and he is buying it with dinner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news…hang your head in shame! But I digress again…

Being a McDonalds girl is NOT okay. I would dare say that it is tragic. If you are the Micky D’s girl… you need to take a deep long look into yourself and find WHATEVER trait, attitude, expectations, feeling or energy you are giving off and ERADICATE fix it. Why? Because you’re the McDonalds girl! LOL. I am sorry to laugh, especially if it’s at your $4.99 happy meal expense, but you need to fix this and quick!

But as I am seeing this scene unfold and remembering the other… it dawned on me… I think I HATE both of these women. The Gold digger and the McDonalds chick are messing up this world for women like me and some of my friends. I mean damn… do I have to make a man take me to a pricey restaurant just so he doesn’t think I am a cheap date and treat me accordingly? I don’t even like them; I am more the special hide-a-way that you really cherish kind of girl. And do I REALLY have to offer to go half on the meal and spilt the check on the first date so a man doesn’t think I am trying to get over on him? There has to be some in between label that I can attach to my forehead. I recently had a guy tell me that I was “emotional” because I would let him “date” me on facebook and expected him to call. AND I put date in quotes, because he clearly wasn’t dating me with that point of view…, this situation clearly didn’t last long…but I digress again.

Where was I…oh yes. I hate you whores/steppingstones women who make it so difficult to date in Los Angeles. I feel like I am always trying to prove to myself men that I am NOT you! So, if you are always being dogged by men, men never take you out, are assholes, fuck you over, use you and you NEVER end up with the guy, maybe you’re the McDonalds girl…maybe you the gold digger… shit…MAYBE its you?

Ouch. Did that hurt? Sorry. Here I will give some nicer advice:

One of the most difficult things for a person to do is a true, unbiased assessment of themselves. We often ask ourselves the same type of questions at the conclusion of a “Situation”: Why did I accept this? Why didn’t I walk away sooner? Why did I ignore all the signs and red flags? Why did I allow him to treat me this way? Why did I (fill in the blank here)? But we rarely ask ourselves the most important question of all. The question which would allow us to grow as a person and possibly be more successful in our next relationships…and that question is WHAT ROLE DID I PLAY? If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, then it is insane to remain the same person in each of your FAILED “situations.” Cause MAYBE ITS YOU!  Or maybe its me? No, bump that…its not me! LOL

Sorry, I hate to be there bearer of bad news… I just call it like I see it.

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African American, black, Just for fun!, Life, Los Angeles, Politics, Race, relationships

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I am Single by Choice…

November 19, 2010

I am Single by Choice…

Or NOT. But that sounded good right? It sounds even better when our friends say it with us as we dance around in our girl huddle, together on Valentines Day! Just us girls, together. No men. Yeah! Actually no… it doesn’t sound convincing good then either, it sounds kind of silly. I mean, what healthy, happy, complete, non-bitter, non-nun woman actually chooses to be single? I guess there were times in my life where I “chose” to “be single over staying in a bad or dysfunctional relationship,” or times when I went through the “working on myself/loving myself” phase, or times when I chose to “be happy even though I was single.” Shoot, there was even the “I’m in grad school, plus working full time and just don’t have time to be anything else but single” choice I made a couple years ago. But those were needed stages in my life where my singleness was a tragic effect. I cannot claim that during any of those stages I successfully eliminated the desire to find a suitable mate, that I stopped longing for the touch of a man. No, I don’t choose to be single, but I am single, that is a fact. Here’s is another one… I am one of the multiple degree having, semi-successful black woman that have been the recent talk of the town. Damn Craig…say it aint so!

Seems every time I turn on the news, read Essence a magazine or open a blog I have to hear about why I am still single. They even got avatars acting out my black woman thoughts and actions. It pisses me off annoys me to no end! I don’t fit in that category! I don’t even care about cars, let alone what kind he drives, I date men who treat me right, regardless of their income, and I am more turned on by the depth of his mind than the height of his body. This has prevented me from getting hurt, but not from being tragically single. But I’m single. Again, that is a fact. If you think that fact disqualifies me from talking about men, women, or how to have a successful and happy relationship, then stop reading this blog, because that is exactly what I am about to do. Why? Cause while I may “choose” to be single right now, I in fact do not have issues meeting good men. So my choice , if we are still pretending it is one, is NOT permanent, I want to make sure yours isn’t either.

Today’s blog is:

New Rules II – Unrealistic standards

(and read: New Rules “Dating In Los Angeles” if you need some tips on actually meeting men in Los Angeles)

Many of women’s problems in their lack of relationships come from our unrealistic qualifications that are masquerading as standards. I have a friend in her mid thirties who will not date a man unless he is at least 6’1, has no children, owns a home and has at least a 6 figure incomes. When I ask her if she is being a bit unrealistic, she vehemently exclaims that she is not going to settle. She is attractive, in shape, very successful and cannot understand why she is single. But she has set herself up to believe that her measurements have meaning, when they don’t.

Women often eliminate a great portion of eligible bachelors based on traits that in the long run will have no last impact on a relationship. Here are some of the least meaningful traits that women often look for in a man that really limit our chances of finding a good mate.

  1. Looks

I will not pretend that being attracted to your mate is not a big deal. Attraction is such a strong force that many often mistake it for love. However, there is a difference between being attracted to a man and making that attraction the center piece of your standards. I once heard a man say that he only dates “dime pieces,” a term that was coined to mean a perfect 10. I cringed when I heard this because the notion that every woman must be perfect in order for him to be interested, and the notion that what makes a woman perfect are her external attribute would offend most women. But why? Because most women are not perfect…most people are not perfect. If fact, I don’t know too many women who would not have been at least mildly irritated by the conversation that I was ease dropping on. I also know very few women that would not be hypocrites for their irritation. While we may not use the term dime piece, we often look for men who are extremely attractive, with nice bodies, big feet, and so on. I once sat and watched a group of kids beat a piñata. When the final, joyous blow was dealt, the children all scrambled on the ground fighting for the candy that had fallen on the ground. They fought to hold candy in the shirts, to retrieve candy from others stash, and fill their bags as fast as they could. Then one little girl who was watching all the kids scramble on the ground, stood up, walk to the piñata, placed her bag underneath it and shook the candy that had failed to be knocked loose. Not only did she collect more candy than the rest, but she retrieved some of the best and the other children looked at her in envy. I was astounded by the young girl ingenuity. She realized something we as grown women have yet to catch on to yet, quit scrambling for the eye candy that has fallen on the ground; some of the best tasting treats are not in plain sight.

  1. Height

Again, I will not pretend that I do not understand the attraction to tall men. I grew up in a family of tall men, my brother is 6’3, my dad is 6’1 and many of my dad’s uncles and cousins are 6’5 and taller. There is no other feeling than looking up at a man, or him leaning down to give you a kiss. If your preference is to date tall men, I will not tell you to change your preference. There is nothing wrong with preferring something over another. But a preference should not be what you exclusively accept. I prefer dark skin men, yet my last two relationship have been with extremely fair skinned men, I did not allow my preference prohibit me from entertaining or dating men who could not check off that box. You may also want to keep in mind, when making height requirements, the average height for a man is a mere 5’7.

  1. Income

You may think I am getting ready to tell you that the amount of money a man makes is not important, but I am not. Well… I guess I am, just not in the way you think I am. There is nothing wrong with wanting a working man and expecting ambition from a man, especially if you are ambitious and spent years building a foundation for yourself. However, if you are going to use income as of your qualifications for dating a man, I want to make sure that you are realistic in that expectation and that you realize that the amount of money a man makes is not a measurement of his character. Let me first say, there is nothing wrong with meeting a man who has not fully reached his potential and helping him get there. There is also NOTHING wrong with dating a man who has chosen a career based on his passions. For example, a man who has decided to be a teacher, or works for a non-profit may not make the type of income that women generally are attracted to, but that doesn’t not make them any less ambitious or successful and many are very good men. Don’t overlook a man because he can’t buy you a Gucci bag, a good man is worth WAYYYYYY more than any monetary qualification you attach to him based on his income. Clothes, money, jewelry, cars do not make you happy. A good man, who treats you right, spends time with you and comes home at night is happiness. Don’t fool yourself… You have been warned.

  1. Dress

Sure we all like a well dressed man, but it is a lot easier to put nice clothes on a good man than to get a bad one to keep his fancy clothes on when you aren’t around. I have seen way too many women pass up GOOD men because his pants were flooding a bit (pause for your laughter). Yeah I know it is funny. And hard to do. Who really wants to be on a date with the guy with the flooding pants? Okay, but here is a piece of advice my daddy gave me: You clean a fish after you catch it.

Okay I am done for now. Read both the New Rules Blogs, if it doesn’t at least get you to a place where you at least meet some cool men in Los Angeles, you may want to read the next blog…

New Rules III- Maybe it is you!

HINDSIGHT MAY BE 20/20, BUT SELF REFLECTION IS OFTEN BLURRED.

I just call it like I see it!


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All the Single Ladies???? Uh-Ohhhhhh!


All the Single Ladies???? Uh-Ohhhhhh!

This Blog was inspired by a recent conversation with my brother.

He walks over and says hello, or I smile and cross the room or we meet through a mutual friend. Who knows? I am not sure how it happens, but we meet. He tells me something interesting, I reply in some witty manner. He laughs and tells me I am refreshing. I blush. We talk for a while and he tells me he is feeling my vibe. And then it happens…a confused looks crosses his face. I can see him racking his brain for the answer. “So,” he begins cautiously trying to find the appropriate method of satisfying his curiosity, “Why are you single.” Translation: So, what is wrong with you? The underlying assumption is that IF I am really this cool, or nice or sweet, not bad looking and have something going for myself, then WHY hasn’t some man come along and scooped me up by now?

My heart drops, it is like I have a disease. Like I am one of the silly women on the dance floor screaming “If he liked than he should of put a ring on it” while the exes laugh, cause if he liked it HE WOULD HAVE PUT A RING ON IT. “Well”, I begin cautiously, “I date and would love to find something more serious, but do not want to rush into something that is not real for the sake of a title.” Then I search his eyes for his response. Did my carefully crafted answer avoid his dreaded labels? She is “miss independent” or “miss can’t hold onto a man” or “miss don’t get serious with this one” girl. I now use this response because the “Why are YOU single” retort never worked that well and landed me in the “miss defensive” category. And the “I have been waiting for you to come along” landed me in the “Miss play” category. Sigh.

In truth, I am the “Miss, I should not have to answer this question girl”. I would love to be in a committed relationship. To have the chance to spoil the hell out of a GOOD man!!! Yes, I said spoil. I am the cook you a meal, make you a plate, rub your back, wash your clothes, and clean your kitchen girl. Surprised? Don’t be. I act like a Lady and think like a WOMAN (sorry Steve Harvey, your advice is rejected). I have been blessed to have past relationship where the men genuinely loved me, cherished me, introduced me to their family and friend, proudly talked about our kids and our life. I know what it feels like and when it doesn’t feel right. I have spoken to older couples married for 50 plus years and listened intently as they told me the secret to their success. I have ALSO been blessed to watch people I know go through miserable marriages, bitter divorces all with men they once loved. I have seen too many single mothers struggling to raise their children alone that they had with men they never took the time to really get to know. And it bothers me that my choices are the one that seem questionable.

I recently bought into this hype of this and tried to pursue something I KNEW was not right for me. Never again. Why do I wait? Why am I single? I am waiting for HIM! And I don’t care if I find him at 30 or 35 or 40, because when I find him it will be till death do us part. I wait because I STILL value the institution of marriage, because I want the father of my children to be the same man who lives in my house. I wait because at 30, I am wiser and more reserved and know what I want! I want a man who the best time we ever had was that time we sat up and talked all night and did nothing, because we do not need to have anything to entertain us but each other’s presence. I want a man who loves that I get overly passionate about the homeless or education and doesn’t care that others think I am a bit intense. I want someone who will defend me and my wrong to anybody who tries to say something and CHECK the hell out of me in private. Who knows that sometimes I talk too much, but loves to listen because I always have something real to say. A man who takes the time to get to know me. Who knows I am not perfect, sometimes can be a know it all, get too loud at times and those flaws (which such a part of who I am) are the part of the reason why he loves me.

I know what the dreaded statistic say, but if you all know me…I can’t wait to beat the odds!

XOXO

Ps. Not looking, but not running. Patiently waiting and having some fun in the mean time.

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Fairytales Were Invented By Lonely People… Who Wanted Company

November 10, 2010

Fairytales Were Invented By Lonely People… Who Wanted Company

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we need to get a few things the out the way first. There is no such thing as the tooth fairy. She doesn’t exit. If I have shocked you, take a moment to compose yourself, because the news gets worse…are you ready? There is no Santa Clause either. I know…I know it is a hard pill to swallow, waking up from all the lies our parents told us. I have a few more bombshells to drop…Ready? Sigh…Cinderella, Snow White, and anything involving Knight and Shinning Amours, rescues from a dragon or magical kisses do not exist either. In the “real world” money doesn’t grow on trees, there are no magical fixes, relationships are hard work, no one is perfect and no man will ever be able to compete with fantasies that have consumed our minds since we were children.

And it is not completely our fault. Almost every girl dreamed of getting a Ken doll for her Barbie. They had the perfect car, the “dream” house and we acted out the fantasies in our head. We dreamed about  meeting Prince Charming, and I know I went through the “I am a princess” phases.  Hell, the Soapbox Princess is still in it.  In fact, every story seemed to begin with “Once upon a time,” had a perfect, drop dead gorgeous,  man in the middle, and ended with some version of ”And the lived happily ever after.” These were our dreams about our futures, our marriages, our meeting “the one” , and the ultimate goals of having the “perfect” life. There one problem…life is not perfect. Rarely do we take the time to ask ourselves what happiness really means in a real life relationship. Instead, we prepare for a fantasy that will never exist. So here are a few myths we need to get correct:

Happily Ever After Myth #1- The Romance Novel

She felt his breath on her neck as his lips lingered then slowly moved downward. He nibbled at her breast,  and kissed a trail down to her inner thighs. His mouth, a few inches from her virginity, he drew closer, she held her breath then gasp as he took her into his mouth. Just as she began to think this pleasure could not increase, he entered her with a quick thrust. She gasped, tonight was the night she had dreamed of all her life. Are you turned on? I am! Ok, so most of us probably aren’t virgins anymore, but we still fantasies of these moments with “the one.”  At least I do. The reality is that romance novels dedicate hundreds of pages to a man saying and doing all the things a woman desires. But there is a reason why these books are filed under fiction, they usually aren’t realistic. If your spend too much time searching for the man who always says or does the right thing, the man who looks like (insert your male fantasy here), whose even smells great sweating, who has SWAG, confidence, money, etc, you may actually miss the right man when he comes along. Take your nose out the book and look around the bookstore, because real men live in the real world.

Happily Ever After Myth #2- The Knight and Shining Amour

He doesn’t exist. Trust me. Why? Because nobody can save you but yourself. Having a healthy or happy relationship starts long before you meet “the one,” its starts with finding a way to be happy with YOURSELF. To not need to be saved. To have made better choices. To be ready for a good man by keeping your: credit right, your body in shape, your heart ready, your mind clear, forgiving your exes, forgiving yourself, loving life, not being mad or bitter at men, and keeping your hair done, nails done, everything done… done. And doing all of that for YOURSELF. Stop looking for some fix to the wholes in your life. Find the hole and plug it, or you will scare “Prince Charming” away…

Happily Ever After Myth #3- Happily Ever After…

Nothing is happily ever after. Every person I speak to with happy marriages and relationship tell me there are up and downs. Then downs…and more downs. If you stick with it comes up again. I don’t care how great of a man you meet (and there are many great men out there) he will leave the toilet seat up sometimes, might forget your anniversary, he might not bring you flowers everyday like he used to, he might tune you out sometimes when you want to talk, he might not clean up the kitchen after himself, might not be as affectionate as you like or might not take out the trash before the game starts. Deal with it. Or Not. That’s your choice, but make some realistic decisions about the small (or big, if it’s big to you) things you don’t want to spend your time being upset about, that you are willing to live with and don’t let them bother you. But don’t fool yourself… if it matters to you, it matters. So find someone who will give you the things that matter to you. Why? Because there aren’t any fairy godmothers to wave a magic wand and turn him into your version of Prince Charming, what you see is usually what you get…after all…this isn’t a fairytale.

Happily Ever After Myth #4- He Will Complete Me

If you need someone to complete you, it means you are missing something. It means you aren’t whole. Find a way to get whole, because no one can ever do that for you. I suggest EVERY woman watch “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O”.

Too many women live in a fantasy. Wake up so you can have a happy real life. Doesn’t think it applies to you? Take the quiz below and find out. Remember, if you lie, it is only to yourself and it will only stunt your own personal growth.

Take the Fantasy Quiz

  1. Can you envision what your wedding dress will look like?
  2. Do you know what color your bridesmaids will wear?
  3. Have you already chosen your bridesmaids?
  4. Have you already know how many kids you will have?
  5. Do you know how many people you will have at your wedding (approximately)?
  6. Do you look or have you flipped through wedding books and you are not engaged?
  7. Do you think you know what your husband will look like?

Did you answer yes to most of these questions? That’s okay, now take the reality quiz?

Now take the reality quiz?

  1. Do you have a plan on how you will work through problems in your relationship?
  2. Have you decided what you are willing to give up to keep peace in your relationship?
  3. Have you decided what faults you are willing to accept?
  4. Have you decided what you are not willing to accept”
  5. Is there some activity you are not prepared to give up in a relationship?
  6. Do we share common values?
  7. What is his view on gender roles and am I willing to play them?
  8. Do we think the same way about money? If not, how will we compromise?
  9. Do I get along with his family? If not, why? Are the reasons valid?
  10. Do you share the same parenting philosophy?
  11. What is my expectation of a sexual relationship? Does it mirror his? Will it in 10 years? What steps will I take to make sure it does?
  12. Do I expect or want him to change? Is my expectation reasonable? Is it feasible?
  13. Have I thought about what truly matters to me regarding character and inner qualities?
  14. Are you willing to ride out a rough patch in your relationship?

If you have answered yes to most of the question in the reality quiz and no to most of the question in the reality quiz, then you may be living in a fairytale. But the news does get better. Once we are able to pull ourselves away from the fantasies we have created in our heads, we can move on and have very happy and healthy relationships, with ourselves…then with a great man.

And by the way, I lied earlier. I DO believe in “once upon a time” and “happily ever after”…it’s the stuff in between we need to get more realistic about….

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For Colored Girls…So what’s your point again?

November 9, 2010

For Colored Girls…So what’s your point again?

This past weekend I, like many African American/ Black (depending on how you self identify) women flocked to the theater to see the Tyler Perry adaption of 1975 play by Ntozake Shange “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf.” It was the black Sex in the City! Scores of women met up for their “girlfriends day” followed by very stiff drinks and discussions, which were NEEDED after the 2 hours of  sadness and despair that was projected on the screen. The woman behind me walked out the theater after the babies fell from the window. The lady to the right of me wept silently. Someone upfront laughed inappropriately during the rape scene, and my friends had to keep shushing my commentary. Shrug…I couldn’t help it. Whatever the response, the room was filled with various emotions. Emotions and controversy.

Like everything Tyler Perry does these days, a bigger controversy has erupted over this film, and people are extremely divided.  Some are angry at the apparent misogynistic themes in the movie. “Tyler Perry hates black women”,  “Tyler Perry hates himself” are some of the most common quotes I have seen. There are those who praise the film, loved the movie, and in particular the all star cast. They give glowing reviews such as “Best movie all year” and “Great adaptation.” Then of course you have those who hold the play dear to their hearts, but have a deep seated hatred for Madea Tyler Perry and the positive images of blacks images they believe he sacrifices to build his empire. Being the reader I am, I have read tons of reviews and blogs about this movie, but when it is all said and done, I have the same question…So what’s your one-sided point exactly?

Here are my issues… the current discussions surrounding this film seem to be misplaced. How can you criticize the negative portrayal of Black men in this movie without acknowledging that “For Colored Girls” was a book and play originally written by a black woman, not Tyler Perry. That the original work is one that the  African American community, in particular black women, have enjoyed and held dear to their hearts. How can you ignore that the original poems deal with love, abandonment, rape, and abortions, etc. I mean seriously…was the content of the movie THAT big of a surprise?  It leaves me wondering if the critics are those who aren’t actually familiar with the original work or are just jumping on the I hate Tyler Perry bandwagon. In fact, if I remember correctly, much of the initial outrage was that Tyler Perry was turning this into a film, not that the story itself was being brought to film. Many wanted another director to tackle the very sensitive themes…basically ANYONE but Tyler Perry. But let’s keep in mind, no matter who directed it, the themes would not have changed.

I also hear arguments I agree with about movies in general and the way they negatively portray African Americans. Agreed. I am sick of the black villain characters. I am sick of the stereotypes. I am sick of it. But my issues with these films is not that they exist, but that they exist in abundance and to some to some degree in exclusion. What I cannot understand in why this has become a discussion of what should not exists, instead of a referendum of what should? Why instead of the criticism, there isn’t a call get behind some young, black film makers, put our money where our criticisms mouths are and support stories that craft the images we want to see? In fact, there is film coming out next year which appear to be a breath of fresh air…Jumping the Broom. Let go support that! Create a balance, not recreate reality. Because there is good and bad within the African American community (as in all communities, and nations around the world), so we should not have to pretend that there are no place for stories like For Colored Girl or that they don’t represent some people’s reality.

As a matter of fact, I saw aspects of myself women I know in many of the characters. There is the friend whose man doesn’t beat her as often as Michael Ealy character did, but who has occasionally adorned a black eye, but won’t leave him despite all the warning signs. I doubt he will be dropping their two kids off a balcony, but the one before him might have. Yes, surprise, her abuse and lack of self love is a cycle. There is the friend who despite her pretty face and privileged upbringing still can’t seem to keep her legs closed past the first date, yet seems surprised that men don’t respect her and her “relationships” never last.  “Why wasn’t he just honest with me”…. Baby girl, because you aren’t honest with yourself. Shoot, I can personally identify with the Loretta Divine character.  No I don’t let a man run in and out of my life and cheat on me, while taking him back. Of course not, who doesn’t grow up and learn. I pretend I am stronger than that, but can’t say I haven’t been in a place before where I delivered the self-love speech to a room of captivated women all admiring my strength, while deep down wonder why he wasn’t calling me back. I had to learn to apply the “I know better” speech before engaging with a man, instead of post-mortemly.

Right now I am dealing with a 15 years old girl who trusted me enough to reveal she was being molested at home and is now upset because as a mandatory reporter I had to reveal it. It is this type of woman that for colored girls was created for. The play was suppose to be a healing, safe space where women who had been through tragedies could find healing, peace and take some degree of responsibilities for the roles they may have played…i.e. didn’t leave her abusive husband, was promiscuous, etc. This was done through the poems, the ones you saw in the movie. They were identified as colors (red, blue, green, etc) to create that safe space and not give a name to the person or the tragedy.

Whatever your feelings about this topic, can we stop making this a Tyler Perry, this movie, this song issue? There is a larger issue at hand and it is present in our music, schools, movies, lack of awareness of issues, AIDS rates, unwed pregnancies, low voting rates, and general lack of engagement. It really comes down to one of the major themes I took from “For Colored Girl”, one people seem to be overlooking…RESPONSIBILITY. I don’t think the movie demonizing black men as it did try to make women see and take responsibility for their own actions…responsibility for the men who we LET in your lives, what we ACCEPT from them and WHY. If this movie opens up real dialogue about issues that genuinely affect some women, I think it has done its job…

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An Uncompromising Position

November 7, 2010

An Uncompromising Position

Not sure how always find myself in these situations, but there I was again. Sitting in a room with 4 men (all 45+) as one begins to complain about his wife. The conversation center around why he puts the toilet seat down and was riddled with foolish ideas of his compromising in the relationship. It was comical. I shook my head and no matter how hard I tried I could not suppress the smirk that formed on my lips. But I had managed not to comment, and then he forced my hand…“Young sista. I see you’re not married.” the married guy starts (who name I later learned was Avery), “Let me give you a really good piece of advice to keep your man happy. Don’t nag about the toilet seat, cook him dinner and let him watch guilt free football. Relationships are about compromise.” He leaned back and seemed quite please with his advice and philosophy on life. I smiled sweetly, then I explained mine:

Putting the toilet seat down is not a compromise in a marriage. Or at least it shouldn’t be. A compromise is where to live, who (if any) gives up their career, how many kids you have, your monthly budget, etc. What the toilet seat requires is a shift in attitude in one or both parties. At any point a woman can decided that I need the seat down and he needs it up, it is not a big deal to put the seat down and it is not worth arguing over all the time. Eliminating the headache and argument. At any given point a woman can decide that watching sports (as long as he isn’t ridiculously obsessive with it) makes my man happy, and I like him to be happy, so I will let him have his games. As a matter of fact, I will make him some wings and let him have a boy’s night. At these suggestions he smiles and nods in agreement. Then I continue….

At any given point a man can decided, the seat being down makes my woman happy. It takes no energy or real effort to do it, and whenever I think about it, I am going to put it down because I like to see her happy. Thus eliminating the issue.

“BUTTTTT, that what MOST men do!” He exclaims.

“No” I replied. What most men do is put the toilet seat down so they don’t have to hear her mouth anymore. But it is in attitude, that the action is tainted. While the action is the same, your intent is not. And it is the intent of the action that has you here STILL complaining after 10 years of marriage.  And every single time you perform the action, you’re adding up in your mind how many times you have given up something, keeping a mental tab or score over the SMALL things. Ohhhhhh….so many relationships are doomed to fail! That is not compromise. That is positioning or leveraging.

Compromise isn’t about one person being unhappy, or stopping an action to prevent hearing another person’s opinion or emotions. A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. One or both of you need to realize that this argument is silly and does not matter, if you don’t, one of both of you will always be unhappy.

Then I tell him, “Since you have now been informed, I think you should go first. But it is up to you. But I am done discussing toilet seats.”

“So… where is your man at?” The man to my right asks. Here we go…to be continued…

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Average Joe Meets Superwoman


Average Joe Meets Superwoman

I was feeling naturally sexy. My hair was in twists which barley reached my neck, swooped up to the side, with a real flower behind my ear, my sun dress fell just above my knees, cut low in the back and the front left just enough to the imagination. I had forgone the make-up, but my freshly done french tipped hand and toes and simple jewelry more than made up for it. I felt pretty in a “I’m just doing me” sort of way and I guess it showed because he noticed. At first I thought he was just being polite when he opened the door for me. He was on his way out and I was coming  in, but he waited a few seconds longer than needed. Appreciating the gesture, I flash him a smile and said thank you. He flashes one back and tilts his head, “you’re welcome” he returns.

I continue in the build and was half way up the escalator before I realized he was behind me. “Im sorry he began, “I just could not walk away and never know your name.” He smiles again. This time I notice his dimples. He is looking a little rough with his painter’s suit, but somehow sexy. He is very cute and his gentlemanly gestures had already earned him points. “My name is Shaun,” I respond. He seems surprised by my response, my voice, my tone, my something…his confidence seems to fade. He seems suddenly aware of his appearance. “Just getting off work” he says somewhat apolitically, “headed to play some bon..I mean dominoes with my boys…do you know how to play?” I resist the urge to laugh. “Do I know how to play?, I think to myself, I am the spades, bid whist, dominoes champ of the west!  But I did not say this. Now I kinda wish that I had.

We talk for a couple seconds longer, exchange numbers and go our separate ways…I sigh, I’ve been here before. He seems really nice, sweet and like someone I would at least like to take a chance to get to know. But this is not a Tyler Perry movie. I would be TOTALLY willing to date a regular working man, who treats me good and makes me laugh, but he would have to be confident enough in himself to date me. To feel comfortable with my worlds. In reality, every time I have tried, he seems not to feel comfortable with the black tie or political crowds/events that I sometimes frequent. And truthfully, I am tired of going to these damn things alone!

So what is a superwoman to do…wait for superman? And if that is the answer, what should I do at the times when superman is off saving all the other women who seem to be waiting for him as well. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to share. Average, down to earth guy is more my type, wish I was his.

Note sure if there are any answers here, just pouring out a few thoughts. BTW…if you are wondering how the encounter (which made itself blog worthy) turned out… he never called. Neither did I. Maybe that is the real point. Superwoman and average Joe might be a wonderful match…if only one of us would have…should have…could have…didn’t call.

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African American, black, Just for fun!, Los Angeles, relationships

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Race to the Top—Emphasis on “Race”

November 6, 2010

Race to the Top—Emphasis on “Race”

I love everything about myself from the color of my skin to the texture of my hair. Even the birthmark that covers my right leg gets wrapped up under the “Beautifully Flawed” moniker I gave myself a few years ago. I am a proud Black woman who until the first grade never knew that she was black. I was what you would consider to be an intelligent child, so by the age of 7 I knew that people were different. My dad was dark, my mom much lighter, my brother was a boy, I even knew he had a different part than I did. I had cousins and aunts who had fair skin and blue, green and hazel eyes ran rampant in my genes. We were all a little different from each other, but race….what was that?

It was February when I found….February, which meant the celebration of black history month at my predominantly all white elementary school. Black History month was fairly new back then, not sure I remember it happening the year before…but I digress. As my teacher began to tell the now all too familiar stories of Harriet Tubman and Dr. Martin Luther King, I tuned out to whisper with to my friend about “Travis”, the blonde hair, blue eyed boy who was the object of my affection.

“Shaun.” The teacher calling my name jolted me back to reality, “I would think that as the only black student in this class you of all people would be paying attention.”

“I am not black,” I replied.

“Yes, Shaun…you are,” she insisted a little more sternly.

“I am not BLACK,” I cried a bit hysterically from a mixture of embarrassment and disbelief that my teacher was calling me names.

I was a fairly advanced student like I said, so at 7 I definitely knew my colors. Red, white, pink, purple, and I had used a brown crayon or two when coloring in books, but I had never seen a BLACK person, and I surely wasn’t one. I was downright offended at this point that the teacher kept insisting I was. By this time the students had began to laugh, which only deepened my hysteria. My parents eventually were called to pick me up.

That night my father and mother sat me down and had a “talk.” I was explained the concept of “race.” Thinking back on it now it is quite hilarious and maybe a bit sad. A black student (again…the only one in the class) crying hysterical cause she is being called black….hmmm. Thinking about it today, a mix of emotions run through my mind. It makes me wonder what ran through the teachers minds the day my brother’s 3rd grade hypothetical invention was a machine that automatically took the seeds out of watermelons. Oh hell, stereotypes run rampant! It makes me want to go back and slap the little girl who told me my mom left me in the oven too long. I equally want to harm the lady down the street who told me I couldn’t swim in her pool because the grease in my hair would dirty it. It also makes me wonder how my parents were able to protect my child heart and feelings from being the only kids not invited to the birthday parties and all the other incidents of racism I faced in this environment. Whatever they did, it might be responsible for the reason I don’t care as an adult when I find out I am not every bodies cup of wine tea.

After my parents divorces a year later, we moved out of the neighborhood to a predominantly black neighborhood (Watts). I wish I could say that things got better, sadly they didn’t. In some sense I went from being the only black kid in my class, to the only white kid in my class. I was teased for talking too proper, for not wearing the right shoes or clothes. Called names like Oreo, sell out and white girl. Me and my brother didn’t know what BK’s (British Knights) were, but we knew we needed some… QUICK. I was bullied, chased home from school, and until I decided to fight back I lived in a constant state of fear. I was still different. I guess I always have been and I am comfortable with that now.

The funny thing is I have emerged un-phased by both. I love my people and my culture and fight everyday to help. But what this incident has taught me in hindsight is that differences are socially created. While the social constructs do not stop them from being real, people make gender, race and class the issue, not the subject itself. Differences do not exist until after you become aware of them. Until the first grade I was many things… a girl, a child, a human, a daughter, a sister, a friend. After the first grade I was the only black student in my class and the only black family on my block…and now I knew it. Oh boy…did I know it.

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African American, black, Life, Race

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Politically Fatigued!

October 29, 2010

Politically Fatigued!

I consider myself to be a closet political junkie. I love current events, especially current political events. I read about the candidates, their positions, I have even been guilty of comparing their voting records. When a controversy threatened to brew over Michele Obama’s thesis, I located and read it from start to finish (all 25 or so pages). I vote in every election, from local, to state, to national. I am that person who votes for school boards and I do not have children! And while most people are bumping Lollipop songs during their commute, I am listening to NPR (that’s National Public Radio).

I love to read about politics and I love to write about it … and worse my friends and family enable me. They constantly send me emails with links to political editorials and articles. As an avid Obama supporter, this political season can be likened to locking a wino in a winery. I have just gotten drunk with the stuff! But now, with 2 months left till the ballots (mercifully) being cast, I find myself politically fatigued!

I can’t take it anymore. The attacks, the questions, the never ending commentaries, the debates, the evaluation of the debate, the criticism, the sexism, the racism, and the meaningless banter! I don’t want to hear about it anymore! I just want to vote and be done with it. I want to go to rehab and recover…but I can’t because bill boards, radio, TV, newspapers and magazines, ALL media outlets are conspiring against my recovery!

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Politics

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Eddie Wrong…Wrong…Wrong (Pause)


Eddie Wrong…Wrong…Wrong (Pause)

Before I begin, let me make one thing clear. I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A CHRISTIAN. I am not an atheist, a naysayer or even a “spiritual but not religious.” I am a Christian, and I mean the type of Christian who was raised in the church, baptized in the pools, at every sunshine band, YPWW and purity class …Christian. Grew up going to church 8 days a week (and yes I said 8 days) kind of Christian. So when I utter these words I do so with a certain hushed tone…and maybe even a short of anger and disgust. The Eddie Longs of the world is why the church is becoming irrelevant. There I said it.

Those who know God and have their own REAL and personal relationship with God, are turning away from the “church.” The church has started to not resemble what God’s love represents. Like Gandhi once said “”I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” And those in the Church who don’t really know God… the Eddie Longs of the world represent God and they lose their faith all together. I have known this for a while, but I never put my faith in men anyways.

In fact, I thought I was past the point in my life where people could surprise (both for the evil they do and the good) me. So, when I first heard the allegation I was a bit concerned and hoped it wasn’t true. When I saw the text pictures sent to the young men I was uncomfortable. Why would a MAN send any young boy pictures of him through a cell phone, let alone why would a Pastor sending them to boys in his care? Something just didn’t sit right. When I heard the “Good Bishops” sermon the following Sunday, which was a play on meaningless words and carefully crafted to not admit or deny anything (he basically pleaded the 5th amendment) I was disgusted. But when I watched his mindless flock erupt in applause after this empty speech where he didn’t even say he was innocent, I was officially SURPRISED. Eddie Long is not what’s wrong with the Church…the parishioners is what is wrong with the church.

No matter which angle I try to understand this, as a church insider, as a preachers daughter, as a pastors daughter, as the district missionaries granddaughter, as the choir member, as a parishioner, as a bible toting Christian (and I am in fact all of the aforementioned), I am confused. I can care less if Eddie Long is gay. In fact, half the men in the church choir are gay and everybody knows it (accept their mother, wives and sisters)… shrug. I don’t care about people being gay; everyone has the right to live their lives as they so choose and quite frankly I can find more in the bible about judging other people than I can about a person’s sexual preference. But I digress. Where Eddie Long is concerned, we are not just talking about a person’s sexual preference; we are talking about a man who potentially used his position of power to seduce young boys. While it is easy to view these adult young men as Goliath (wait…that’s not easy at all)… it is however quite easy to view them as David…since they were in fact just BOYS when this all began. So knowing that these were just boys, I am confused how an entire congregation would not at the very least ask the pastor to step down while the allegations are being investigated. And to applaud the man who didn’t have either the courage to repent or the conviction to declare innocence…yeah, that surprised me. I am surprised at how deeply people root their identities in other people that they render themselves unable or unwilling to see that person for who or what they really are.  Blind faith in a man? WOW

I hope these weren’t the same Christian who shook their head when allegations came out about the Catholic Church? Or the same Christians who would curse a person out for even disciplining their kids, let along molesting them. Then I see comment about how he is only human and all people make mistakes and it is our duty to pray for him. A Pastor who has been accused of repeatedly molesting young men who are in his care and whose spiritual development he over sees, who has committed adultery …several times and with little boys, is not “only human,” he is a man who spiritual walk with GOD is so off track that he should no longer oversee that walk for others.  He is out of line for even staying in his role as pastor.

Should he be vindicated…GREAT, but while the allegations are out there, he should not continue to lead the church. People wonder why we are in such a spiritual crisis and why there is such a mass exodus from the church and Christianity…this is why! Because we let men who may not be of God represent God. Yeah…the church needs to stop sweeping this out the back door (pause).

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Religion

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To the Church: From A Christian With Love

October 19, 2010

To the Church: From A Christian With Love

Dear Church,

I must admit, I am the last person expected to every write this letter. After all, since I was child sitting on the pews I have been taught to never question you. You represented what was right in the world. You represented the path, the light, the direction. You represented God himself to me for many years. My relationship with God was so tied to your doors, that I barely felt him unless I was with you. Which is funny, since God is everywhere, right? You, after all, are the “Church”. The staple in the “Black Family”. The beginning, middle and end of who I was. I cried on your floors, was baptized in your pools, put my money in your plate, and everything you fed me I ate. But things have changed…

So, as I sit here and begin to compose the classic Dear John letter, you know the one that starts “Dear John…by the time you read this letter I’ll be gone” I am filled with great trepidation. I mean, who am I if I am not with you. You have been so entrenched in my identity, sometimes it hard to remember where you end and I begin. But a few years ago my life began to change and with it my outlook. And the more I looked, the more I saw…that that church without spot or wrinkle had become stained. Stained with judgment of others. Stained with hypocrisy. Stained with discord. Stained with greed. Stained with the same sins of the world that is condemned in its pulpit. The church no longer represented LOVE. It saddened me to see adultery running rampant, not only among the members, but in the leadership as well. It saddened me to see equally high divorce rates. It saddened me to see pettiness, evilness, and hatred in your eyes. And most of all, it saddened me to see how many people were turned away from our sweet Jesus and magnificent Lord, because to them (having no relationship with God) you were him. God was religion, and religion was you. And like I am… they were disgusted. This is not what I fell in love with. It couldn’t be.

And so, I began my divorce proceeding. But even as I begin to write this letter to inform you of my decision, I am reminded of how much I love you. I am reminded of what I saw in you to begin with. I remember the peace I felt when I walked in your doors. I remember the old church Mother hugging me and telling God told her it would be okay, and I wasn’t even sure how she knew I was down. I remember the hundred dollar bill someone slipped in my hand when I was $100 short on my rent and ashamed to tell anyone. I remember working 14 hour days to get turkey boxes ready for Thanksgiving to give needy families on the holiday. I remember. I remember that you were never God. That you are incapable of being perfect. That tying my relationship with God to you was never a smart idea. I remember that I love you. And so I pray. So I stay. Not out of fear of who I am not without you, but out of understanding of who I am with you. I no longer fear losing you, but I see that you are losing yourself. So I pray.

I pray that you begin to understand that true Christianity is about giving love that is free of judgment of a person’s sexuality, lifestyle or clothing. It is about leading people to heaven, not condemning them to hell. And I pray that you begin to understand that the wider gulf becomes between your understanding of this concept, the more sea there is to swim before you drown. And I stay, because if not in action, in principal you are my ship and at times I am your captain, guiding you through the darkness as you protect me from the cold waters. I stay, to be on every level that I am capable of, the only bible that many read. And as I stay, I pray for strength, because like you I am the most imperfect. Like you, at times I am unworthy. But I stay, because I love you. I hope you love me back…

With Love,

A Christian

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Religion

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Dear Diary,

September 8, 2010

Dear Diary,

It has been 4 months since I have written anything to you and I hope you don’t hold it against me. I have felt like Carrie from Sex and in the City, but instead of chasing my orgasm, I have been chasing words, a complete sentence or an original thought. Yet all three elude me. Mock me. Haunt me. A life that was once consumed with words has been haunted by numbers. It has been 11 months since my sister got ill; It has been 10 months since I decided to be celibate and wait for (insert whatever the hell I am waiting for here); It has been 7 months since I turned 30; It has been 6 months since I lost my big sister two months after she gave birth to twins; It has been 4 months since I walked away from my job; 1 month since I moved from my dream apartment; and three days since I wrecked my car. It is safe to say, 2010 has not been my year. In fact, it has been the worse year of my adult life. And with 3 months to go I find myself wishing, hoping, and praying for them to fly by so I can say good bye to 2010…as if the new year will miraculously erase the pain.

But as I sit here tonight with this New Year wish, I am not haunted by numbers, but by words. My own words I wrote on January 1, 2010:

THE CHANGING OF A YEAR MAKES NOTHING NEW! Hearts don’t heal at midnight, attitudes don’t change, trials/rough waters you been sailing through will most likely still exist. The POWER you have tonight as you set resolutions is the SAME power you possessed every day before and will have each day after. That is the power to live through your circumstances and define your own happiness. Happy 2010! XOXO Shaun.

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” -Pema Chodron

Damn…I wish I wasn’t so damn insightful….lessoned learned 2010. Now can we get on with it?

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black, Life, relationships

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The Hip Hop Lullaby

September 6, 2010

The Hip Hop Lullaby

I’m sitting in a club wondering if at 30 I am already the old lady in the club I used to laugh and talk about. Clubbing is not really my thing anymore, I did it in college…but I am pretty much over it. I would much rather chill with some live Jazz or R&B or hang at a wine bar or lounge. But I digress. So I emerge from the dance floor doing the Cupid Shuffle when I am drawn back to “Get Me Bodied” and “Pat My Weave” to Beyonce. I am excited…this is the one video I know (I don’t watch BET or MTV or VH1) and I’m having fun with an attractive young man imitating the moves. And he can dance. This night might not be as bad as I thought. The DJ mixes it up and blends in a new track. The club ERUPTS, people move off the wall and head to the middle of the floor. I whisper in the cuties ear, “I’m sorry, I cannot dance to this song.” And excuse myself from the dance floor. He looks confused. I don’t care. I’ve tried in vain to explain my decision before, but the sentiment is lost on most.
I get to the edge of the dance floor just as the first “Superman that Hoe” hits and I cringe inside. Arms are flying in the air and women are bouncing never realizing the degree of disrespect that just been dealt. Never taking the time to listen to the words, but religiously rocking to the beat. “Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe, Watch Me Crank It, Watch Me Roll… Then Super Man Dat Hoe.” Never asking the question… “how you superman a hoe”. Superman-ing a Hoe is when a girl is having sex with a guy, he cums on her back and puts a sheet or shirt on it and when she gets up she’s got a cape. Now if you think this is funny (and I admit it can be) just days before I learned what it meant I watched my 6 year old niece do this dance. This is also one of the number one songs right now. This song… about complete and total disrespect of a woman is number one. What does that say about our society and our morals and for the women about the level of respect we have for ourselves? Now I know to most I seem a bit extreme. After all they are just songs…right? My best friend just sighs when I inform her I would not listen to any song where Jay-Z refers to himself as Hov (short for Jehovah), and people thought I was equally ridiculous when I stopped dancing to “to the windows to the walls…till the sweat drips off my balls.”
Those same people must not realize the power of music and how important is to be careful about what you allow into your spirit. After all Satan was over the music in heaven. But even more so than that, you must ask yourself…if the catchy beat did not exist, would you listen to the words. Don’t be rocked to sleep by the hip hop lullaby.

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Music

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The Bride

June 8, 2010

The Bride

She was beautiful. In fact, I had never seen a more beautiful bride. Her skin was perfect and golden brown from the sun. Her hair was playfully swept up with diamond pins that had been passed down through three generations. Her eyelashes caressed her face and her makeup was flawless. Her grown was ivory silk satin gown with beautiful heavily beaded bodice, a-line skirt and full chapel train. She was beautiful. She was perfect. As she walked down the aisle, I held my breath afraid that if I moved and inch or blinked an eye, I would miss a moment of the ceremony. I sat in amazement and my mind began to wonder. Had I been a true friend? Had the events I set in place lead to this? Had I played and irreversible part in the scene that now played out? I wondered.

The bride knelt before the preacher. Her head bowed in reverence. A still, stale silence engulfed the room. No one breathed.

“Do you promise to love and obey as long as you shall live?”

“I do,” she replied

And just that quickly as it began, the ceremony was over. No one clapped. No one cheered. Tears streamed down several cheeks. At the reception the bribe made her way over to me and gave me a genuine hug. “Thanks,” she said, “for being a true friend.” The guilt that was sitting on my shoulder lifted. I wasn’t even aware that it was there. She didn’t blame me, so I wouldn’t blame myself. I had done the right thing by telling her what I saw and now she wouldn’t spend the rest of her life trying to undo a terrible mistake. I exhaled. Maybe one day she would get married again, and maybe…just maybe that time…the groom would be present.

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relationships

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Good Man Vs a Good Person

June 6, 2010

Is there a Difference between a Good Man and a Good Person?

Does being a good person automatically qualify you as a good man/woman?
A male friend called me today to get my opinion on some of the issues he has had with women as of late. His search for “quality women” keeps ending in tragedy. “I’m a good man” he declared, “I am convinced women don’t really want good men, because it should not be this difficulty.” He is at a place in his life where he is SEARCHING for a wife and wanted an “honest” opinion since we dated in the past.
My problem with his assessment is that while I believe he is one of the best people I know. While I see him as a wonderful Dad, loyal friend and all around good person, I don’t believe he is a “good man.” The guy I am referring to is honest, hard working, and respectful. He loves his mother, sisters and even me as his friend. But as I grow older I begin to understand that choosing the right mate and ultimately being happy in a relationship begins with the internal and external attribute we give undue credit for. There are so many absent fathers in the world, that a present father is considered a “good man” when all it really makes him is a man. There are so many males who disrespect women, that when one does not, we label him a gentleman and sigh in relief because he is different. But the absence of disrespect does not equal the presence of respect.
Defining what makes a “good man” is not easy. After all, the first thing that I would need to decide is what I mean by good. Do I mean good as in purity in spirit or perhaps good hearted. Any of these may apply and there are no hard and fast rules. Good men are harder to distinguish in a crowd, mainly because they are humble and many tend to keep a low profile. They’re not seeking adulation. But I know some good men and I know there is a difference. As a male you can be a good person and still lack the basic understandings OR DESIRE to treat a woman well. I know some GOOD men. Men whose respect for a woman is not dependent on her respect for herself. Her degree of self worth will only change how or IF he chooses to deal with her, and not if he chooses to show her respect. I know some good men, who have fought tooth a nail for the right to see their children when it was denied. When went broke hiring lawyers. Fathers who are there physically and financially regardless of the relationship (or lack thereof) with the mothers. I know some good men. This is not an inclusive list of qualities or situations that make a man good, only examples.

“Good Women” (and I use this term loosely as well) need to stop settling for good people and hold men to some real standards! It bothers me that women today have so little “real standards.” They can tell you how tall a man has to be, how light/dark he should be, his education, income, and children. I even know some women who discriminate based on the number of packs he has on his abs. We give men internal credit for these meaningless external attributes and when real men coming along we don’t know what they look like. We settle and we make it harder on women who choose not to. There is not one set of characteristics that all “good” people have, and the absence of one of these characteristics does not make a person “bad.” But if you think of someone as a good man, think long and hard about what characteristics they exhibit and stop using this term Loosely.
I know them men will probably jump all over this one. But sorry, it is just my humble opinion.

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relationships

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The Diary of a Single Black Woman

May 16, 2010

The Diary of a Single Black Woman

Last night I was speaking to a friend of mine and making her laugh until it hurt (literally). After several bouts of laughter, she came to the conclusion that I was the strangest person she knows. Now, normally this would have been a very hurtful insult, but since she happens to be one of my closest friends, a confidant who know most of my (often unconventional) theories on life, and most of all…since I happen to be the strangest person I know as well, this revelation sent us both into hysterical laughter. The subject that spawned this conversation was my theory that I may in fact be schizophrenic. Not schizophrenic by the medical definition, but that I actually have different personalities, and most people never truly get to know the real me. 

But I digress back to the story…so anyways…this friend and me were laughing hysterically about some of my more recent dates, and my uncanning ability to attract some of the strangest men. For those of you who know the most recent story about Rite Aid (that what we named him) and our very interesting trip to the beach (LOL, trust me it is a very funny story…just too long and one of those things you kind of want to just put behind you), or my date with the gymnast (also what I named him after he told me this TMI story about someone paying him at the gym to prove he could do the splits (SIDE NOTE: I said the SPLITS ladies…. open your legs wide and go down to the floor…Chinese style splits)…and at the end of the story it comes out that the paying customer was…get this…ANOTHER MAN! And Let me not even start on the man who took me to see the Bench Warmers at the movies and was laughing so hard at this movies, that he found the need to slap his knees and let soda come out his nose, (ohhhhh my God…beam me up Scottie).

Okay…now, while these stories have made for some very interesting Margarita parties…on the nights when I actually have enough time to sit and let my feelings catch up with my thoughts, it makes me kind of sad. And if I am truly honest, kind of afraid. Not really afraid that I will not meet someone, or even that I will end up alone…but afraid that I will eventually settle and never feel that feeling that people sing about in songs. True love.
Now back to my schizophrenic strange theories. For those friends who have been around for a while know that I have been hurt 2 maybe 3 times in my life…the jury is still out on the 3rd. The first on was in high school…so no big deal, the 2nd was a guy I dated from 19 till 22, we are actually very good friends now, and the 3rd was my last official relationship (which should have had a starring role as the ship in the titanic…the unsinkable…sinks. 

Most also know I have this thing (it is not really a rule, but just something that always seems to happen) that I have named the 3-month shuffle. My theory is most people will reveal their true self to you within 3 months (if you watch closely). This is why when I am dating someone I let him be who he is for the first few months. That way you get to know a good part of who they are before you get too deep. It is actually a really good theory, though I will admit a little strange. Just think about it. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? How many times can you remember dating someone and when things went wrong you could see so clearly now all the red flags? I just take a different approach. I watch a persons actions very closely in the beginning and really try and see who a man truly is. Is he honest? Does he call back when he says he will? Is he courteous? Is he selfish? Without me demanding it, what value does he place on me? And if you see enough red flags…well you know.

Okay…I’ll get back too the point since this blog has gone on long enough. I am single. Not because I need to be, most certainly not because I have to be, but because I chose to be. While I did recently meet this guy who I kind of like, it hasn’t been 3 month (LOL) so the jury’s still out. But I digress again. Now, to my point…I have met many men in my time, but few every took the time to meet me. And until I find the man who will treat me like a queen, and not just because that’s what I demand, but because that’s what I deserve, I will remain single. Until I find the righteous one…

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Just for fun!, Life, relationships

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Choose to Laugh

May 6, 2010

Choose to Laugh


So, a guy friend of mine took me out to get my mind off of some of the recent things life had taken me through and a choice I made. I have made mistakes in my past, but none that I regretted because I felt they all combined made me who I am. But this mistake was different. I could not grow from it, I could not learn from it. It was something I did to get back at someone who had done something to me, and in the end it was pointless… as revenge usually is. And instead of feeling better, my decision to act outside of my character made me feel worse.

So I am sitting with this guy friend and telling him about my dilemma, when he said something very profound. His advice was “choose to laugh.” What makes this advice so profound was it was not previously on my list of choices. Walk away or stay was a choice. Forgive or forget was a choice. But “choose to laugh” made me initially feel like he hadn’t heard a word I said. But as he explained it brought tears to my eyes.

See, the only real choice I have to make is to be happy. No body else matters in this decision. Not Him, not him and not her. This one of those rare instances where being selfish was okay. I could choose to be happy and do whatever would get me to that goal. Or as he said choose to laugh. No matter how much pain I was feeling, I could choose to get out the bed and smile. I could choose to not cry. I could choose to not speak. I could choose. Because when it is all said and done, this is my life. He then told me that whatever I choose to do, I should know that from this point forward my joys and my sorrows are of my own volition. I responded that advice didn’t make my choice any easier. He then said the wisest thing, he said, “Choices are easy, just ask your self, “if tomorrow was my last day on Earth, what would I choose,” then remember that tomorrow really could be. Then choose. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. That makes it easy…I choose to laugh.

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Life

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